Gluttony is a sin of compulsion. I didn’t realize that I really did fall to this particular sin until I started an online Bible study course. I could write for pages about what I’ve learned, but I’ll spare you (or save it for later). Today I want to take you to the internal conflict I had this morning. Partly because I don’t think everyone has this type of conflict and can’t understand it, and partly to see if it’s more common than I think. I’m not making this up to be dramatic. This is what *actually* happened this morning, and happens almost every morning (and then at lunch and often dinner). It started literally right when I woke up. Knowing I would be going out for lunch to say good-bye to a coworker, I wanted to make a smart choice for breakfast.

“I could eat an english muffin with peanut butter. That’s pretty tasty. Or I could eat oatmeal at work. I’ll probably be hungry there anyway. That sounds good. I’d really like a diet coke though. I haven’t had one in a while. I could go to 7-11 and get a DC on the way to work. Oh, but then I might be tempted to buy a breakfast sandwich, and those are like 450 calories and too much fat. Ok, what if I just took enough money for a coke. That sounds good. I’ll get a coke on the way and eat oatmeal at work.”

But before I had even left the house, I had “forgotten” my decision and was arguing about it again.

“Just get a breakfast sandwich at 7-11. One won’t kill you.” “Yes, but I don’t have money for that.” “Use your debit card.” “I don’t want to. I could just go and get a diet coke with these quarters. That would be fine.”

In reality, I know if I had gone in to just get a diet coke I would come out with more. If you can believe it, in the shower I even entertained the idea of getting a coke, breakfast sandwich, AND a doughnut.

About halfway to work it started up again. “Hey, get off at this exit. There’s a Wawa. You can get a diet coke and a breakfast sandwich.” “I already decided I was going to eat oatmeal at work. I can get a diet coke at work, and it’s even cheaper.” “Yeah, but those sandwiches are yummy. They taste so good. You really want something salty right now. Oatmeal is sweet. You won’t be satisfied with just oatmeal.” “Sure I will. That’s what I took it to work for. Besides, I’m going to eat Thai for lunch. I don’t need more calories than necessary. Oatmeal now and a grapefruit later.” By now I had passed the exit. “You could stop at the other 7-11 on the way to the office. Get yourself a diet coke and a breakfast sandwich. Man, you’d feel so happy after eating a breakfast sandwich. They’re so good.” “You’re right, they do make me feel good when I eat them” Did you catch that? Suddenly my food is tied to an emotion…? “Yeah, so just go get one at 7-11 and a diet coke.” “That sounds good. Oh, but wait, I had already decided I was going to eat oatmeal at work.”

It was about then that I had decided to blog about this. I began thinking about the blog and that thought took over for the food one. I made it to work and got my diet Dr Pepper (no diet coke in the machine!) and ate my oatmeal. I’ll eat a grapefruit later. And I’ll eat soup at the Thai place. And I’ll be happy that I made good choices.

Conversations like this in my mind happen on a pretty daily basis, usually more than once a day. Sometimes I overcome it, sometimes I let it take me. That’s part of the reason that when I try to lose weight, I can’t stick with it long enough to make a difference. It’s part of the reason why weight comes back on so quickly. It’s not just an internal conversation. It’s a mental tug-of-war. Eventually someone gets tired and lets go.

I’m learning to trust Jesus to get me through those times. Here are some verses that are really important to me now.
Psalm 63:5: “My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.”
1 Peter 2:2-3 “as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the Word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious”
Psalm 119:103 “How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!”

-j