struggles – Jayzilla

First Signs Of Progress

April 28, 2010 By jason 2 Comments

Time for today’s weigh-in. Drumroll, please….

From last week, that’s a weight loss of 2.6 lbs. The crazy part is that I was still at 307.4 on Sunday morning. In trying to figure out what made the difference, I can only place my finger on one thing: prayer.

Thankfully most of the people who read my blog are Christians and understand that. In the event that there is someone who doesn’t, maybe they’ll call this a “post-hoc fallacy“. Not to anger you, but that seems like a really nice way to explain away faith. The problem is for those of us that believe in the power of prayer, you can’t convince us that after trying everything else with no results that prayer did not cause the results. Could I have done it without prayer? Maybe. But I’ve tried before and failed every time.

I won’t rehash my last post, but you can consider this one an extension of it. Glory to God, all this week I’ve been able to:

maintain a reverent prayer posture and attitude
get up early and exercise (even if I complain about it at first)
be unnaturally diligent in healthy, responsible eating habits
continue doing a Bible study on disciplined eating (and actually benefiting from it) that I’d prefer stopping

Three days might not seem like much, but trust me it feels like a lot. Especially because I’m finally denying my habitual, emotional, “normal” cravings and replacing them with more healthy and even spiritual practices that will change my life. The only thing that causes me consternation is that my stomach feels empty almost all the time, and I don’t like how that feels, so if this is the lifestyle change I want, will I feel this all the time? My suspicion is that no, once my stomach shrinks to an appropriate size and my body gets used to only getting the food it needs and not everything it thinks it wants, it will slow its roll and be happy with what I give it.

Thanks for your prayers. Don’t stop now! Within two weeks I hope to be below 300 again.

-j

Battle One, Battle Won

April 26, 2010 By jason Leave a Comment

victory

What you are seeing here is what I am calling “today’s small victory”. It is the uneaten shell of a taco salad. The first one of its kind, when discussing my plate.

A new coworker started today, and as is our tradition we went out to lunch with her. I love going to Mexican places, but at the same time I dread it. I love it because, well, it’s delicious Mexican food. I dread it because it’s dripping with fat. From the moment those chips come out to the moment that last bit of cheese-covered, guacamole-sour cream-beefy burrito slides down. Not today, my friends. Not today.

I woke up this morning just after 6 without trying. I debated waiting until my alarm went off, but I figured it was pointless. I was going to use the time wisely. Today was day-in-a-row number two for the morning jog. Two miles and 30 minutes later, I was getting ready for work feeling mighty fine. I packed two apples, two oranges, and a package of snow peas for the day. One apple was ravaged on the way to work where I also ate a package of oatmeal for breakfast. At 11 I had a 4oz container of cottage cheese so that I wouldn’t be hungry at lunch. I was feeling abnormally well (see my tweet to the right). I determined that today’s lunch would be different. A taco salad without the shell (I debated getting a fajita and not eating the tortillas), cheese and sour cream on the side.

At lunch I portioned out what I think was pretty close to a serving of chips and knocked back a bit of salsa. As soon as my salad arrived (they had forgotten the cheese and sour cream, but I’m better for it), I dumped out the insides and discarded the shell. It was really hard not to eat it, as well as the amazing cheese dip they brought out for the group, but I didn’t. Here’s why:

You might have read about the Bible study I’m doing about overeating. Combined with the Bible class on Sunday, yesterday’s study gave me what I think is the key I’ve been looking for: keeping my eyes on Christ. When Peter walked on the water and took his eyes of Jesus, he started to drown. When the Israelites were being bitten by snakes, they had to look at the bronze one and they would be healed. Jesus has already paid for my sin of gluttony, and beyond that He offers me a way out of it. I just need to fix my eyes upon Him.

The Bible class reminded me how good intentions aren’t enough. Uzzah died because he was trying to save the Ark of the Covenant. What he failed to do was give God the reverence He demanded. My prayer life does not give God that reverence. I usually pray however I am, and while I’m certain God hears my prayers, I’m missing out on something because I’m not being as reverent as I should. Last night I got on my knees and prayed for today. I prayed for the desire to run when I got up, and I prayed that God would show me what to eat, when, and how much. I confessed that I absolutely can’t do this on my own – I’ve tried many times – and how I trust Him to show me the way.

When I woke up today, that’s exactly what He did. This uneaten shell, the first of its kind, is the proof. Selah.

-j

A Tip

April 25, 2010 By jason Leave a Comment

It’s a good idea to measure out how much food you’re going to eat instead of eating straight from a container. Even with good intentions, impulses (or carelessness) can get the best of you and before you know it, that pint of ice cream is history. Then you look to see how many calories you just ate and you cry a single tear of shame.

This has been a public service announcement. I now return you to your regularly scheduled internet, already in progress.

-j

To Be Like A Fish

April 23, 2010 By jason 1 Comment

You know how on fish food containers it usually says “feed as much as your fish will eat in a few minutes”? It’s not to keep your fish fit, it’s to keep your water clean.

I just took a gander at Clay, my new betta (I named him after my old boss who decided to move to California and gave me his little tank as a memento). I fed him this morning and gave him extra since it’s Friday and he won’t get more until Monday. It’s been about 30 minutes, and I still see food floating on the top.

This post isn’t a warning not to feed your fish too much. It’s a musing on how I wish I could do that. The fish ate as much as he wanted, and when he was satisfied he stopped even though there was more. I’m sure I’m not the only one who can’t leave food on a table, especially if it’s tasty. I don’t know how people can not eat more if food is delicious. I don’t think I really know what “satisfied” feels like, because I don’t give my body a chance to get that way. It’s one of the habits I need to change.

The other plus about being like a fish is that I could swim all day long. Talk about burning calories!

-j

“Starting” Weight

April 14, 2010 By jason 1 Comment

I’m taking a page out of Ed’s book and posting weekly weigh-ins. Maybe I’ll be more motivated to make it go down week-to-week when people are bugging me about it.

Here’s the first one.

I fasted yesterday, and normally I wouldn’t mention it, but it’s worthy of reporting. It was the first time I felt in control of myself after a fast. Usually when I do it, I go from the evening before to around 7 or 8 that evening. Every time, if I actually made it all day without eating, I would go nuts at dinner because I was so “hungry”. Yesterday was different. I really made an effort to give the day to God, read His Word for my meals, and spend time in prayer at each. I had decided to go easy and break the fast with some light popcorn while watching Biggest Loser, and I added some protein into the mix with a bit of turkey breast. And I felt in control. God did some fun stuff with me yesterday. Here’s looking to the future!

-j

Going (More) Public

April 12, 2010 By jason 1 Comment

Motivation has been very difficult to come by. Many people are encouraging me, but really getting into weight loss is a challenge for me. I don’t know why, other than my self-discipline is terrible. This is just one of the many areas of my life where I lack the discipline to stay focused. But that’s not the point of this post.

I’ve mentioned a guy who decided to make his weight loss journey very public. There’s hardly a thing he does (or doesn’t do) that he doesn’t write about on his blog. He posts photos and videos every so often, and he posts pictures of the scale every week. He has a free gym, so his numbers will probably always be better than mine, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t post these things. So to make it more public, I’ve decided to put you all through the trouble of looking at me with minimally fitting clothes.

The shirt is the XL that I bought for the youth camp in Paraguay because at the time I expected it to fit me correctly within a short time. It obviously fits me worse. I plan to wear it in each photo (monthly) until it fits me well.

Maybe being more public is what I need.

-j

The Mind of a Glutton

March 12, 2010 By jason 3 Comments

Gluttony is a sin of compulsion. I didn’t realize that I really did fall to this particular sin until I started an online Bible study course. I could write for pages about what I’ve learned, but I’ll spare you (or save it for later). Today I want to take you to the internal conflict I had this morning. Partly because I don’t think everyone has this type of conflict and can’t understand it, and partly to see if it’s more common than I think. I’m not making this up to be dramatic. This is what *actually* happened this morning, and happens almost every morning (and then at lunch and often dinner). It started literally right when I woke up. Knowing I would be going out for lunch to say good-bye to a coworker, I wanted to make a smart choice for breakfast.

“I could eat an english muffin with peanut butter. That’s pretty tasty. Or I could eat oatmeal at work. I’ll probably be hungry there anyway. That sounds good. I’d really like a diet coke though. I haven’t had one in a while. I could go to 7-11 and get a DC on the way to work. Oh, but then I might be tempted to buy a breakfast sandwich, and those are like 450 calories and too much fat. Ok, what if I just took enough money for a coke. That sounds good. I’ll get a coke on the way and eat oatmeal at work.”

But before I had even left the house, I had “forgotten” my decision and was arguing about it again.

“Just get a breakfast sandwich at 7-11. One won’t kill you.” “Yes, but I don’t have money for that.” “Use your debit card.” “I don’t want to. I could just go and get a diet coke with these quarters. That would be fine.”

In reality, I know if I had gone in to just get a diet coke I would come out with more. If you can believe it, in the shower I even entertained the idea of getting a coke, breakfast sandwich, AND a doughnut.

About halfway to work it started up again. “Hey, get off at this exit. There’s a Wawa. You can get a diet coke and a breakfast sandwich.” “I already decided I was going to eat oatmeal at work. I can get a diet coke at work, and it’s even cheaper.” “Yeah, but those sandwiches are yummy. They taste so good. You really want something salty right now. Oatmeal is sweet. You won’t be satisfied with just oatmeal.” “Sure I will. That’s what I took it to work for. Besides, I’m going to eat Thai for lunch. I don’t need more calories than necessary. Oatmeal now and a grapefruit later.” By now I had passed the exit. “You could stop at the other 7-11 on the way to the office. Get yourself a diet coke and a breakfast sandwich. Man, you’d feel so happy after eating a breakfast sandwich. They’re so good.” “You’re right, they do make me feel good when I eat them” Did you catch that? Suddenly my food is tied to an emotion…? “Yeah, so just go get one at 7-11 and a diet coke.” “That sounds good. Oh, but wait, I had already decided I was going to eat oatmeal at work.”

It was about then that I had decided to blog about this. I began thinking about the blog and that thought took over for the food one. I made it to work and got my diet Dr Pepper (no diet coke in the machine!) and ate my oatmeal. I’ll eat a grapefruit later. And I’ll eat soup at the Thai place. And I’ll be happy that I made good choices.

Conversations like this in my mind happen on a pretty daily basis, usually more than once a day. Sometimes I overcome it, sometimes I let it take me. That’s part of the reason that when I try to lose weight, I can’t stick with it long enough to make a difference. It’s part of the reason why weight comes back on so quickly. It’s not just an internal conversation. It’s a mental tug-of-war. Eventually someone gets tired and lets go.

I’m learning to trust Jesus to get me through those times. Here are some verses that are really important to me now.
Psalm 63:5: “My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.”
1 Peter 2:2-3 “as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the Word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious”
Psalm 119:103 “How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!”

-j

I Did Not Move, and I’m OK With It

February 8, 2009 By jason 1 Comment

A few of you “knew” I was “moving”. That was the plan. The (shameful?) truth was while I was thankful that Jason made it easy to find a place to live, I was still looking for a better place. It wasn’t necessarily that this place is bad, just that I specifically knew of a better place. My friends Ben and Vivi live in a place where there are like 8 apartments, and I was waiting for one to empty out. I even told Jason’s landlord that I planned on moving and I would let him know when. That was December.

The landlord at the other place told me there would be a space available in January when he was set to kick out someone who lived there. It was on the correct side of the building – the side with an awesome cross breeze and two balconies, one of which was going to be my own, attached to my room – and it was on the top floor, so it would be really quiet and really private. I was in love.

At the end of December, I talked with the landlord, and the guy who was being evicted showed up randomly also. I told both of them I had to be out of my place by January 4th, and the guy said he was going on vacation for Christmas and would come back on the 2nd to get his stuff out. On the 4th I went over to see what was up and start cleaning. I was told the kid never came back from vacations. Even his mom didn’t know where he was. I ended up having to rent my place for another month in the meanwhile, though I expected only to need a week or two. You can do that here. It’s a pretty chill rental market.

A couple weeks later I went to the landlord again to see what was up. He hadn’t yet heard from the guy, but he said after the 20th, when he could legally start removing the guy’s stuff, he would empty it out for me. I said fine, I wouldn’t bug him again until I heard from him. The 20th came and went with no word. I went to Argentina expecting to hear from him because Ben said he would talk to him. I forgot to take into consideration that my phone might not work in Argentina. I never got the call that was made.

I got back from Argentina on February 1st and decided to stay where I was. I was miffed that I never heard anything from the other guy and I couldn’t keep going month to month with my present landlord. On the 2nd I verbally agreed to stay in the apt, and on the 4th he came and I signed the contract. On the 3rd I got a call from the other landlord saying the apartment was empty and ready to view. I had to tell him I had already committed to stay where I was. All he could say was “Oh.”

Here’s the thing: I think God did this. Between the time I was waiting for the guy (who we actually had assumed had died on vacation), my heart started being more content where I was. It’s not a bad place. I had just started to make friends with my neighbors. One thing I was glad for with the other apartment was that I could tell the hordes of boys that come to sleep every Saturday night nearly without fail that they couldn’t come anymore. I felt like they take advantage of the proximity and my food and space without contributing to anything. It was while I was lamenting that when I felt the Spirit say to me “perhaps this is one of the things I want you to do while you’re here.”

So it’s gotta be God’s doing that my dream apartment that had every reason to be mine during January doesn’t become available until the day after I make a contract to stay where I am. I still need God to change my heart about the boys, but it’s coming. Maybe we need to establish some boundaries; maybe that’s one of the things God wants me to do – teach them how to be gracious guests or maybe just be a good example of a Godly man. Pray for us.

-j

I’m Mental

October 12, 2005 By jason Leave a Comment

It’s funny, this diet and exercise thing. I realized today that I’m no more or less hungry now than I used to be, and I garauntee I’m eating much less. I’m more convinced now than ever that it is a mental thing. I’ve never had that much will power, and I had always figured I just needed to trick myself into thinking I needed to exercise and eat differently if I was ever going to do it.

It started a week and a half ago when I decided not to stop and grab a breakfast sandwich from the gas station on my way to work. I had oatmeal (rolled oats, not the sugary kind of instant oatmeal) at work, and there really was no reason for me to need to get a sandwich. I managed to drive by, but after that I have to fight the urge to avoid McDonalds or Chick-Fil-A (who has the BEST egg and sausage biscuits ever). Those two are usually easier to fight, and I was able to pull it off. The next day, I went through the same thing, but decided that it was completely mental. I knew I didn’t need that stuff, and the only reason my brain said it wanted it was because it’s ubertasty. I don’t need to eat stuff just because it tastes good.

The day after that is when I started this plan. Today is the beginning of a new week, and I managed to do all of the workouts from last week as well as pretty much stick to the food plan. The only times I didn’t were when I didn’t have the opportunity to: at Leadbetters’ for Chris’ birthday, at church on Saturday night, and on Sunday when we had our church outing. However, I did make choices during those times. Not too much on a plate and no seconds, the small piece of cake, and I even was able to avoid my usual 3 or 4 donuts at the outing. Instead I ate 1/4 of a donut (with unsalted peanuts, so it wasn’t completely without nutritional value) and a nectarine. The amazing part was that I didn’t even have a hankerin’ for the sweets! It was surprising to me, and impressive to everyone else. I scoffed at their powder-filled faces over the top if the delicious, nutritious fruit that I had.

By the way, as of Monday, I’m down 5 since I started.

-j

First Signs Of Progress

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Battle One, Battle Won

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A Tip

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To Be Like A Fish

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“Starting” Weight

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Going (More) Public

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The Mind of a Glutton

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I Did Not Move, and I’m OK With It

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I’m Mental

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