It’s difficult to post today’s scale, but out of full disclosure, I post it.

This past week I didn’t track my food or exercise. Usually I found excuses not to exercise. While it’s possible that I ate decently during the week, it’s also possible that I didn’t. I know for a fact that I ate more on the weekend than was necessary, but that usually happens when I go to Steven’s house. I did bike 10 miles on Saturday, but once a week isn’t going to cut the mustard.

This week I started a checklist. Seeing as how I don’t have any self-discipline, I need to get some. I hesitate to say it because it sounds blasphemous, but just prayer isn’t going to be enough. Not that God’s limited, but I can’t ask Him for something and then sit around. If I ask for the desire to get out and exercise but make little effort to do it, I shouldn’t be surprised when it doesn’t happen. To combat this, I’m not allowing myself to go to bed until I finish the things in my checklist each day. For the two days it’s been in practice, it’s served well. We’ll see if next week this number reflects the forced discipline.

-j

More great posts:

• Did I Finally Find It?
• We made it to the next round
• It’s Wednesday Again
• I missed it yesterday
• Wednesday Progress Report

Motivation has been very difficult to come by. Many people are encouraging me, but really getting into weight loss is a challenge for me. I don’t know why, other than my self-discipline is terrible. This is just one of the many areas of my life where I lack the discipline to stay focused. But that’s not the point of this post.

I’ve mentioned a guy who decided to make his weight loss journey very public. There’s hardly a thing he does (or doesn’t do) that he doesn’t write about on his blog. He posts photos and videos every so often, and he posts pictures of the scale every week. He has a free gym, so his numbers will probably always be better than mine, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t post these things. So to make it more public, I’ve decided to put you all through the trouble of looking at me with minimally fitting clothes.

The shirt is the XL that I bought for the youth camp in Paraguay because at the time I expected it to fit me correctly within a short time. It obviously fits me worse. I plan to wear it in each photo (monthly) until it fits me well.

Maybe being more public is what I need.

-j

More great posts:

• Did I Finally Find It?
• We made it to the next round
• It’s Wednesday Again
• I missed it yesterday
• Wednesday Progress Report

Gluttony is a sin of compulsion. I didn’t realize that I really did fall to this particular sin until I started an online Bible study course. I could write for pages about what I’ve learned, but I’ll spare you (or save it for later). Today I want to take you to the internal conflict I had this morning. Partly because I don’t think everyone has this type of conflict and can’t understand it, and partly to see if it’s more common than I think. I’m not making this up to be dramatic. This is what *actually* happened this morning, and happens almost every morning (and then at lunch and often dinner). It started literally right when I woke up. Knowing I would be going out for lunch to say good-bye to a coworker, I wanted to make a smart choice for breakfast.

“I could eat an english muffin with peanut butter. That’s pretty tasty. Or I could eat oatmeal at work. I’ll probably be hungry there anyway. That sounds good. I’d really like a diet coke though. I haven’t had one in a while. I could go to 7-11 and get a DC on the way to work. Oh, but then I might be tempted to buy a breakfast sandwich, and those are like 450 calories and too much fat. Ok, what if I just took enough money for a coke. That sounds good. I’ll get a coke on the way and eat oatmeal at work.”

But before I had even left the house, I had “forgotten” my decision and was arguing about it again.

“Just get a breakfast sandwich at 7-11. One won’t kill you.” “Yes, but I don’t have money for that.” “Use your debit card.” “I don’t want to. I could just go and get a diet coke with these quarters. That would be fine.”

In reality, I know if I had gone in to just get a diet coke I would come out with more. If you can believe it, in the shower I even entertained the idea of getting a coke, breakfast sandwich, AND a doughnut.

About halfway to work it started up again. “Hey, get off at this exit. There’s a Wawa. You can get a diet coke and a breakfast sandwich.” “I already decided I was going to eat oatmeal at work. I can get a diet coke at work, and it’s even cheaper.” “Yeah, but those sandwiches are yummy. They taste so good. You really want something salty right now. Oatmeal is sweet. You won’t be satisfied with just oatmeal.” “Sure I will. That’s what I took it to work for. Besides, I’m going to eat Thai for lunch. I don’t need more calories than necessary. Oatmeal now and a grapefruit later.” By now I had passed the exit. “You could stop at the other 7-11 on the way to the office. Get yourself a diet coke and a breakfast sandwich. Man, you’d feel so happy after eating a breakfast sandwich. They’re so good.” “You’re right, they do make me feel good when I eat them” Did you catch that? Suddenly my food is tied to an emotion…? “Yeah, so just go get one at 7-11 and a diet coke.” “That sounds good. Oh, but wait, I had already decided I was going to eat oatmeal at work.”

It was about then that I had decided to blog about this. I began thinking about the blog and that thought took over for the food one. I made it to work and got my diet Dr Pepper (no diet coke in the machine!) and ate my oatmeal. I’ll eat a grapefruit later. And I’ll eat soup at the Thai place. And I’ll be happy that I made good choices.

Conversations like this in my mind happen on a pretty daily basis, usually more than once a day. Sometimes I overcome it, sometimes I let it take me. That’s part of the reason that when I try to lose weight, I can’t stick with it long enough to make a difference. It’s part of the reason why weight comes back on so quickly. It’s not just an internal conversation. It’s a mental tug-of-war. Eventually someone gets tired and lets go.

I’m learning to trust Jesus to get me through those times. Here are some verses that are really important to me now.
Psalm 63:5: “My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.”
1 Peter 2:2-3 “as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the Word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious”
Psalm 119:103 “How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!”

-j

More great posts:

• Did I Finally Find It?
• We made it to the next round
• It’s Wednesday Again
• I missed it yesterday
• Wednesday Progress Report

It’s funny, this diet and exercise thing. I realized today that I’m no more or less hungry now than I used to be, and I garauntee I’m eating much less. I’m more convinced now than ever that it is a mental thing. I’ve never had that much will power, and I had always figured I just needed to trick myself into thinking I needed to exercise and eat differently if I was ever going to do it.

It started a week and a half ago when I decided not to stop and grab a breakfast sandwich from the gas station on my way to work. I had oatmeal (rolled oats, not the sugary kind of instant oatmeal) at work, and there really was no reason for me to need to get a sandwich. I managed to drive by, but after that I have to fight the urge to avoid McDonalds or Chick-Fil-A (who has the BEST egg and sausage biscuits ever). Those two are usually easier to fight, and I was able to pull it off. The next day, I went through the same thing, but decided that it was completely mental. I knew I didn’t need that stuff, and the only reason my brain said it wanted it was because it’s ubertasty. I don’t need to eat stuff just because it tastes good.

The day after that is when I started this plan. Today is the beginning of a new week, and I managed to do all of the workouts from last week as well as pretty much stick to the food plan. The only times I didn’t were when I didn’t have the opportunity to: at Leadbetters’ for Chris’ birthday, at church on Saturday night, and on Sunday when we had our church outing. However, I did make choices during those times. Not too much on a plate and no seconds, the small piece of cake, and I even was able to avoid my usual 3 or 4 donuts at the outing. Instead I ate 1/4 of a donut (with unsalted peanuts, so it wasn’t completely without nutritional value) and a nectarine. The amazing part was that I didn’t even have a hankerin’ for the sweets! It was surprising to me, and impressive to everyone else. I scoffed at their powder-filled faces over the top if the delicious, nutritious fruit that I had.

By the way, as of Monday, I’m down 5 since I started.

-j

More great posts:

• Did I Finally Find It?
• We made it to the next round
• It’s Wednesday Again
• I missed it yesterday
• Wednesday Progress Report